When I was first diagnosed with Cancer part of the process was having copious scans, from mammograms to sonar, x-rays, CT scans, Nuclear Bone scan and MRI’s, I feel I have done it all. I thankfully am intrigued and in awe of what technology can do, so whilst the process was tiring, the fear of scans was not something that resonated with me.
The radiology staff and teams have been wonderful to deal with, so empathetic and professional. The equipment not as dauting as one envisions and quite painless. Yes, whilst drinking iodine for the CT scans is not on my recommendation list of an enjoyable drink, it is manageable.
When I therefore heard the word Scanxiety, a term which is used in the Cancer community, I did not think it applied to me. After all, I am not scared of scans and to date have never had any issues with scans.
What I did not understand at the time, was that Scanxiety is not about being physically scared of doing the scan, the process, or the equipment. No, Scanxiety is all about the results.
CT Scan
Brain MRI
Scanxiety (noun)
the uneasiness associated with waiting for the results of cancer scans
Over time I have realized no matter how hard you try, Scanxiety sets in and becomes real.
This fear slowly started creeping in from my diagnosis. I went from finding out I have Stage 2 TNBC breast cancer to a week later, thanks to scans, discovering it metastasized to my liver, meaning my Cancer is now Stage 4.
Added to this, every 8 weeks I get a CT scan to see if the treatment is effective. Basically, what the scan outcome will tell me is if the pain and effort of doing Chemotherapy is worth it, are the tumours or lesions reducing.
Furthermore, every time a new symptom arises, headaches, blurry vision, dizziness, dry cough I must have an x-ray or MRI to check if the cancer has spread. Every time I go for a scan there is a possibility that my situation is about to get a whole lot worse, much harder. You start to feel like a ticking time bomb and the scan is the trigger.
So “Yes” the fear is there.
The flip side though is also there, you see those 8-week scans have shown that my lesions have reduced by 44%, meaning the drugs are working and the Chemotherapy process is worth it.
Every MRI and x-ray has been clear, meaning the cancer has not spread, rather that the headaches, blurry vision, dizziness and dry cough are just drug side-effects which will go away when we finish treatment.
So, when Scanxiety takes hold, yes, it is scary and overwhelming, but I also must remind myself that every negative has a positive. I would rather know than not know because once you know you can deal with it, until then we are in a spiral of what ifs and movie scripts.
Scanxiety is my new Cancer addition, it will be with me for the rest of my life, even when my Cancer is gone and I am in remission, I will have to go for regular scans to check it has not returned.
When you finally beat Cancer you don’t get to carry on with life and pretend it never happened. You should keep checking that it has not returned and pray you do not have to go through hell again.
The funny thing though is that most of us have Scanxiety, we suffer from it in our
everyday lives, we just never named it.
See Scanxiety is all about fear of knowing, fear of change, fear of helplessness, fear of not being in control.
The fear of going for that medical test or mammogram as the result might be bad. The fear of not picking up the phone or meeting that person as we might be rejected or embarrassed. Not applying for that job or trying something new, something out of our comfort zone as we may fail.
The reality is we all have some form of Scanxiety we are avoiding, allowing ourselves to focus on the fear and in doing so lose sight of the alternative.
What if by facing our fear, instead of a bad outcome we in fact get a clear result, end up in a lifelong partnership, get our dream job or learn to do something we love. Yes, by not taking that step it might seem easier but by not taking that step we miss out regardless.
The upside is, even if the result is bad learning takes place, change will happen and whilst you cannot always see the good straight away, you will down the line.
You see by not knowing that medical result it does not make the issue go away, does not let it be treated or healed, does not stop the brain from consciously and unconsciously worrying about it. By not meeting person X we turn them into a fantasy in our minds, romanticize them and potentially hold our self-back. Possibly missing out on meeting someone else as person X holds our attention. By not applying for that job or trying that something new we will start resenting our situation and not know that by failing in that new job or new skill what we learn is that our current job or skill is in fact our passion.
This does not mean it is easy, there have been many a times when we just want to be that ostrich and hide our head in the sand and hope it goes away. The reality is though it never does and all that happens is we delay the process and spend days, weeks or months emotionally agonising over it consciously and subconsciously. By which time when we do finally face it, we have so much more emotion attached to it that it makes it even harder.
You see even what we perceive as negative outcomes in fact always has positive change. Cause once you know, once you face something, you can then own it and
when we own it, we can then decide how we want to handle it. Until then we live in a world of “what if,” a world of dreams never becoming reality, a world where we stop being the author of our own story.
Does this mean my Scanxiety goes away, “No”. Every time, I go for a scan the fear is there, I will still have a “What if” moment.
However, I have also learnt that there will also be a “so what moment,” a what can I learn or do about it realisation, a choice I can make to decide the pages and ending of my story.
This ownership, this acknowledgement and acceptance is how for me Scanxiety becomes a friend not a foe.
One Response
Ahh Dee. Thanks for your blog. I hope it helps you as much as it helps us understand what is going on and all the different emotions. I am SO HAPPY that you are 44% reduced. Superb result. Go nail this beast like I know you can. This world needs people like you. Sending Love, Light and the biggest hugs Vivien