Hope can be a deceptive companion as it distracts us from facing reality, however I still prefer looking through the lens of hope as it is far more comforting than the lens of fear or despair.
My 6-week observation is over, the PET Scan results are in. There is no explaining how one prepares for an appointment with your oncologist when you know the outcome may be not what you want to hear. I have played this out in my head for 7 weeks, prepared myself for both outcomes and regardless you are never ready. Grant, my never-ending pillar of strength is with me, as the oncologist advises that my cancer has progressed, the chemotherapy is not working.
On the upside my PET scan results show that the cancer has not spread beyond my left breast, liver, and lungs. It does however confirm that all the lesions have increased in size and that there are new lesions in the liver and lungs, the lungs now have 15+ nodules.
The scan findings support the fact that the chemotherapy is not killing the cancer and therefore no longer a viable treatment option to CURE the cancer. I sit and listen as the oncologist tells us we have no more options on the table and our only available next step is to try slowing the cancer down.
We are going to try a drug which is an anti-angiogenic agent which inhibit angiogenesis. All of it sounds Greek to me so I did my homework as I usually do.
Angiogenesis is the process of forming new blood vessels in your body. Anti-angiogenic agents selectively bind to vascular endothelial growth factor (VEGF), a protein found on the cells that line blood vessels. Tumours produce high levels of VEGF, which stimulates blood vessels to grow, thereby providing the tumour with nutrients and oxygen.
When anti-angiogenic agents block VEGF it disrupts the blood supply to the tumour, stopping or slowing down its growth.
Knowing you are going to die and facing that fact is a ridiculously hard thing to do. The reality is no one is guaranteed immortality, we all know we will die. So why is this so hard?
Well, the truth of it is because it’s happening before you had planned and you suddenly become aware of all the things you are not going to be apart of. I am suddenly not able to honour my promise to Grant, to nag him and irritate him into our eighties. I am not able to assure my daughters I will be by their side no matter what. I most likely will never get to see my grandkids and know what it is like to be a grandparent. There are so many amazing life moments still to happen, this is why accepting death is so hard.
The worst part is I still do not have a timeline, I could live for another 6 months or another 5 years.
If I do not do the next treatment the likelihood is my timeline shortens potentially to months, however, with the treatment the odds could increase to years.
So, are the side-effects of the treatment worth it?
For me, the answer is “YES” you see for every extra day I have that is another day spent with Grant, my girls, family, and friends. Another opportunity to be part of those moments.
So yes, as I face dying and head into that black hole of despair which feels like it could swallow me forever. Wondering every time, I do something or see someone, if this will be the last time. Before I lose myself in despair and fear, I stop, reach deep, and hold onto the thread of hope, the hope that the treatment will give me time, that with time a new treatment will become available. The hope that maybe, just maybe, I will get to be part of many more moments with my family and friends.
So even though hope might distract from reality, I will keep reaching for it as the alternative is far less inviting.
I may not beat the disease but fighting Cancer is not about the physical disease itself. To me beating Cancer is about how I choose to respond and act, it is about not allowing myself to get lost in the deep hole of despair. Winning this fight is all about attitude and never letting the darkness take over, keeping the light of hope shining as best I can, knowing I am giving it my all.
16 Responses
Love you my friend. You truly amaze me with your positive attitude and inner strength to keep fighting.
Always here if you need anything , Just a call away.
Thanks Mon, appreciate the love and support.
You are such an incredible human being and such an inspiration. Sending lots of love and light.
Thank you and love to you and the family.
From the moment I met you, all I can remember, is that smile. Thank you. You are an inspiration. You are loved in abundance.
Ahh such kind words, Thank You.
love u D your amazingly strong and a huge inspiration to others
Love you to and thanks for the support
I am absolutely awe struck but your attitude and your strength. Please know we are here if you need anything at any time. Sending lots of love and holding onto hope with you ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you for the supportive words Cathy, really appreciate the love and encouragement
You are truly beyond amazing! You are absolutely incredible!!! Here’s to making the most of every moment! May this treatment allow for many more memories to be made! Looking forward to seeing you soon again😘
Thanks my friend, looking forward to the future memories.
I truly hope that the treatment will give you time and that during that time a new treatment will become available for you!
I hope that you will still have time to create amazing memories with your family and friends.
I hope that each day is a day filled with happiness and joy and that the sadness is not too hard to bear.
Sending you much love and many big hugs.
Thank you Pat for the words of encouragement and support.
I hope you are well.
you are an inspiration Deidre, what you are going through has inspired me to be there for my friend going through exactly the same, there are no guarantees, we hope, we pray, we beg, for just one more day, a few more years, to enjoy and experience lifes blessings and joys with family and friends, positivity, love, hope and family make it all worth it. Keep fighting, keep the faith, you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Thanks Renee for the message and I am so glad to hear my story encourages and inspires.
I wish your friend strength, hope and healing on her journey having you by her side I’m sure is a blessing.
Keep supporting and enjoy every moment together.