It has been 19 months since my Triple Negative Metastatic Breast Cancer diagnosis, and I have been receiving chemotherapy infusions for 17 of those months. On Friday 12 May 2023, I finished my last infusion of GenCarbo chemotherapy, making the total number of received chemo infusions 42. Thankfully, we put a port in after infusion 18, best thing we could have done, wish we had done it sooner as it makes the infusion process so much easier. To date I have had a mammogram, 3 sonars, a breast biopsy, liver biopsy, nuclear bone scan, 3 brain MRI’s, chest x-ray, 11 CT scans and more than 50 blood tests.
When we started this journey, I could never have imagined this, my body has been pushed to its limits and survived. Unfortunately, it is not over, as I head into a 6-week observation break, the tumours are still in my breast, liver, and lungs, smaller but still there. The next 6 weeks we will focus on recovery and allow my body the time to get ready for the next step. My body is tired, it needs to rest for a while.
From the start of my diagnosis, I knew surviving cancer would be based on 2 things, physical endurance, and mental endurance, with mindset being the biggest challenge. You see every minute; of every day you have to convince yourself to keep going. You have to tell yourself and your body it is worth it, you can do this.
The hard part is as you go through treatment, physically everything gets harder, you are permanently tired, your body is sore, muscles ache, every move is felt, you feel ugly from chemo weight, and energy levels are low. When your body is battling your mental strength must be stronger, for me everyday starts with talking myself out of bed, getting out of bed is step one to getting through everyday. Even if the rest of my day may be spent on the couch, I celebrate the ability to be able to be part of the family life, trust me bedroom living is very lonely and depressing.
The cruellest part of cancer is the helplessness everyone around you feels. Even personally the toughest part of this journey for me has been the inability to fix the problem, I have been a problem solver/organiser my whole life and I can’t fix this, all I can do is show up every day and trust the Dr’s. I must make sure that I am taking care of my mindset and body while the Dr’s take care of the cancer.
As I am blessed with one of the best support systems around, I am always being asked how people can help, you see as humans we are naturally compassionate and instinctively want to help. When people ask what they can do it is a tough one to answer.
The biggest thing is to just be there, be my friend, be my support, you see I can handle the physical side but where the support really is invaluable is my mental health. The other thing is my family, Grant and my girls need as much support and love, knowing they are ok or looked after, helps me to focus on what I need.
I think the tough thing for most people is that they do not know what to say, so they rather say nothing or do nothing or avoid you. I can honestly tell you there is no right or wrong thing to say, cancer sucks and once we get past that fact; we can start having normal conversations and
engagements again. I am still a human after all, yes, I have an alien inside me, but it has not taken control.
So, whilst that quick coffee catch up, lunch get together, bunch of flowers, cooked meal, girls pick up, hug, WhatsApp message, email or phone call may seem small or not enough to you; in my world it is priceless. Every gesture fills my cup a little more and gives me the strength to get out of bed that day.
Blogging has been getting harder, the reality of my journey has gotten harder and remaining positive gets tougher. Then I chat to people, and they comment on my blogs, ask when the next one is coming, my cup is filled a little more. So, to everyone reading, Thank You! I appreciate it more than you will ever know.
At the end of June, the 6-week observation concludes with a PET scan which will reveal one of two outcomes.
Best Outcome:
Scan reveals that the tumours remain unchanged or reduced during the 6 weeks, means we can continue treatment as the cancer is responsive to chemo. We will then consider some radiation and then possibly more chemo.
Worst Outcome:
Scan reveals that the tumours have started growing or spread during the 6 weeks, means the cancer is resistant to chemotherapy and no further treatment options available.
As I continue my 6-week break, it is awfully hard not to think about what the outcome of the PET scan will be. Instead, I will distract myself by focussing all my energy on filling up my cup up as much as I can.
8 Responses
My dear little sis. There are no words to describe how proud I am of you, and as you said above also no words to describe how useless we feel because we can’t take this burden upon ourselves to make it lighter for you. And it is true that, I for one, don’t know how to have a normal conversation with you anymore. I want to help but don’t know what to do and say. But I promise you this, you are in my prayers and I love you. Just keep doing you. You’ve got this. With love from your big sis Charn.
Love you , Grant and the girls my friend. Always here ❤️❤️
Deirdre, you are in my thoughts and prayers every single day.
I know this is different, but it is a miracle none the less and I pray that you will also receive a miracle.
My mom had Covid pneumonia earlier this year and at our 1st doctor’s appointment he basically told us the chances of my mom surviving were virtually nil. Other much younger and healthier people had died of this and as my Mom is 82 her chances of survival were not good.
Now neatly 3 months later, my mom is still with us and although she is still in frail care she is getting stronger every day.
This brought home to me that miracles do happen and I pray you will have your miraculous recovery.
I may now talk to you, you you and your family are constantly in my thoughts.
You remain in my thoughts and prayers. Sending huge hugs. loved reading this update. 🌻🦋
Dearest Dee,
I think of you often and hope that your next PET scan reveals the BEST outcome possible!
You have fought such a brave and long battle and you deserve a break now.
Sending lots of love and positive vibes.
Pat
Dearest Deidre,
I am so glad that I found your blog. I think of you often and wonder how you are doing. And after reading your blog I can only say that you are beyond amazing. 🤩
I have always admired you for your passion and energy that is so contagious! And now I admire your strength.
I am rooting for you and praying for you every day!
Much love,
Freya
Hey Deirdre, I am so glad Ingrid told me that you have been blogging again so I could catch up with how you are doing. I often think of you and am blown away by how strong you are and continue to be. If you ever need an ear to rant and rage at the universe, please give me a call – there will be no platitudes, just support. You are right this sucks, but I will send out positive thoughts, as I know the rest of your HUGE number of groupies are doing, for a “Best Outcome”.
Deidre, you blog is comforting yet disturbing because there’s a lot of cancer around us all and all we can do is deal with the onslaught regardless 😢
Last year I read your blog as I ventured down my road and believe me, nothing is impossible and miracles are all around us so please, give yourself what your really need, PEACE in knowing you are a FIGHTER and a SURVIVOR 💖
My mantra is as follows: “cancer is merely a word in my vocabulary and not a disease in my body”
I remind myself (and so does my temple) that we are touched with a lot more humility once we’ve experienced the trials and tribulations of this alien 💝
Thinking of you and praying for the BEST results after your PET scan results coming up soon.
xxx
Padi